Over the course of a relationship, there will inevitably be times when your girlfriend does something to piss you off.

Today I’m going to talk about when, why, and how to get angry at your girlfriend.

Why Are You Angry?

The first thing to determine is why you feel angry at your girlfriend.

Sure, it’s probably something she did or said, but dig deeper.

Why did her casual flirting with other guys pissed you off? Because her actions made you feel jealous. Why did her disinterested conversation anger you? Because she is not paying you attention.

When you uncover the real reasons why you are feeling angry, you can then start to determine if you anger is a) legitimate and b) how to express your anger constructively.

Realize that there’s always two parties involved when you start getting pissed off at your girlfriend: her and you. The following can be some general causes of your emotional response:

1. Outside circumstances, i.e. you were having a shitty day.
2. Misinterpretation of her intentions/meaning
3. Her stepping on your boundaries
4. Hormones
5. A release of built-up negative tension in the relationship

To determine if your anger is legitimate, consider all the above factors (yes, this means you have to stop and think before reacting).

If you find you are reacting unreasonably, just shut up and take some time to cool down.

If you do find it is a legitimate reason that you are feeling angry, you’ll need to move onto the next step: determining how to express your anger to your girlfriend.

Remember, ultimately it is your perception that determines your anger. Many times the anger can be avoided by altering how you interpret events.

Ways to Express Anger

There are three main ways to express your anger:

1. Indirect: the silent treatment, other passive-aggressive tactics.
2. Direct: screaming, calling names, fighting, arguing
3. Rationally: calmly bringing up the issue and why her specific action or behavior is causing you to feel angry. Attempt to reach a mutual understanding.

While the first two forms of anger expression may be used effectively every once in a while, the third way, the rational way, is usually the best approach to expressing legitimate anger. It is also the hardest and gives the least immediate emotional satisfaction. It requires the greatest degree of self-control and maturity.

To do so effectively, you must first separate your emotion and the issue at hand. If you have done the first two steps I discussed above (determining why you are angry and whether it is legitimate), this rational expression of your anger will be much easier.

Evaluating the Effectiveness of Your Expression

Does your girlfriend stop doing the things that pissed you off: If your girlfriend keeps doing the exact same things you told her to stop doing, then your expression of anger was not effective.

Is she resistant to your expression: It is natural for people to be resistant initially when confronted. But if your girlfriend is staunchly resistant for an extended period of time, your expression was not effective.

Does she retaliate: If your girlfriend retaliates by getting pissed off or further fueling your anger, then your expression was not effective (there may be bigger issues involved).

Dose she agree with you or at least understand your concern: If you have a legitimate point, chances are your girlfriend will at least understand things from your point of view, even if she disagrees with your perspective. When she can’t understand your perspective at all, then your expression was not effective.

Recap of the right way of getting pissed off at your girlfriend:
1. Think about why you are reacting angrily.
2. Determine if your anger is reasonable/legitimate.
3. Plan how you should express your anger.
4. Evaluate how effective your expression of anger was.

Finally, two parting tips:
-Don’t hold grudges, it’s probably not a big deal.
-Remember that you love her.

What does your girlfriend do that really ticks you off? Leave a comment below!