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December 30, 2011

23

How to Avoid Becoming “Pussy-whipped”

by Ecstasy
Pussy-Whip

Ah, a topic near and dear to my heart. Being pussy-whipped is a rising condition in our increasingly-emasculated world. There have been plenty of times when I just want to take a dude and give him a sound slap across the face. Maybe that’ll jolt him out of his wimpy actions long enough for him to realize that he is becoming a bona fide doormat.

Why do normal guys become so pussy-whipped? Why do they hand over their huevos on a plate to their girlfriends?

An important complicating factor is the blinding effects of the honeymoon period. The honeymoon period generally occurs at the beginning of a relationship, and is purported to last 3-6 months on average. This is a fairy-tale time when the guy and girl idealizes each other, ignoring subtle and not-so-subtle faults in their partner. This period is especially dangerous waters for the male who doesn’t want to become pussy-whipped. Why? Because her actions that cross boundaries, disrespect, and emasculate him are often pardoned as a petty mistake rather than a felony.

It is incredibly difficult to keep your head on straight during this initial period of flaming infatuation. Even if you consider yourself a pretty rational person, DON’T. That’s your ego talking. You are probably the most susceptible if you think you are incorruptible in your sound judgment even under the influence of chemically-induced infatuation. Quiet your ego and put some safeguards in place.

Bring her around to your friends. Your friends know you well and can give you a sense of whether your new girlfriend is good for you. More importantly, even if you are convinced that your friend’s don’t know the real you that well, I suggest you listen to their opinions regardless. You don’t have to follow them to a tee, but know that your friends are not ga-ga in love like you, so they may have a more objective view of your girlfriend.

One thing to be careful of is for jealously or resentment from your friends. Maybe your girlfriend is just that hot. Or maybe you are spending a lot more time with her instead of your buddies. Vigilantly monitor your own judgment. Know when your friends are reacting enviously and when your ego is just rationalizing their jealousy so you won’t have to face the truth.

Compromising your core values

I write a lot about knowing your core values. What things in life you are unwilling to ever compromise. Is it freedom? Is it integrity to yourself? Whatever your core values are, know them, and know them well. For me, these are simple:

• Courage
• Integrity
• Compassion

Yours are likely to be different.

Your core values are the sharpest definition of who you are, and they will be the basis for forming your personal boundaries. When you compromise you core values for the sake of your woman, you both lose out.

Confront your woman when she crosses a rigid line. I’m not saying to call her out on any little nuance that bothers you. But, if you really value Truth and she is constantly telling your lies (even if they are relatively “harmless”), you need to assert yourself. Nip the problem in the bud before it escalates out of control.

Not leading

I’m a firm believer in men being the leaders of relationships. Feminism and social equality for women is great. I think society has made some amazing progress here.

BUT, with all the social gender equality, men have become confused in their intimate relationships. They think women want to take up the reins of their relationship. So, many guys sit back and let their girlfriends stir the boat.

Then one day, they wake up and realize they are completely “pussy-whipped”. They scratch their heads and wonder how it happened. Because they don’t understand that men must be leaders in intimacy, they repeat the scene with their future relationships. It all spirals downwards.

Understand, often times your woman does not want to “pussy-whip” you. She is merely reacting to the hole of leadership that you left open. She doesn’t want to take the lead, but she feels like she must. Which makes her somewhat resentful and bitter, or at the very least, uncomfortable.

I’m not saying overly dominate your girlfriend. That goes into abusive territory. Do not disrespect her and quash all her desires. Doing so is a huge sign of a weak man.

But, you must understand relationships are not exactly 50/50. Someone must be the captain of the relationship. As a man, that person should be you. Indeed, it is your responsibility to do so.

And trust me, your woman will thank you for it, no matter how high-powered she may be in her work life.

Being with the wrong woman

It’s not you. It’s her. Some women are neurotic. Others are psychotic and controlling. A few women just suck shit as human beings. No amount of fake hair, nails, or tits can cover up the gaping black hole in their soul. Okay, okay, maybe I go too far. But it is important to realize that sometimes, despite your best efforts, you end up with a girlfriend who is just too damn crazy. The best course of action in this case: Lace up your running shoes and SPRINT the other way. The difficulty, of course, is it’s hard to recognize these types of women in the beginning of a relationship.

Lacking options

When resources are scarce, people will cling onto what they have fiercely. If you know you don’t have the ability to attract other amazing women into your life, you will cling onto your current girl way too tightly. Which makes your needy and desperate. And nothing smells worse to a woman than desperation.

Your girlfriend will sense your desperation and neediness. She will begin to push your boundaries, whether consciously or unconsciously. She will start by showing you little acts of disrespect, testing the waters. When you don’t stand up for yourself, because you are afraid of losing her, she will escalate her actions. Eventually, you will become a good little “pussy-whipped” boy.

I believe every man must know that he can go out and attract beautiful women easily. That underlying knowledge gives him power in the relationship. His actions then become genuine and sincere, because he knows if somehow this relationship failed, he would not be at a complete loss. This knowledge in turn allows him to relax in the relationship and truly enjoy his woman.

His woman, also, is able to feel relaxed and fulfilled, because she knows that her man can get any girl he wants, but consciously chose her. This makes her feel special.

Low self-esteem

If you suck as a person…learn to not suck! Seriously. Is it hard to instigate an inner transformation? I’d be blatantly lying if I said it wasn’t. Is it worth it though? More than you can ever guess.

Life is about becoming the person you want to be. Have a higher vision of yourself. Who do you want to be in a year? Five years? On your death bed?

Chances are, you are not even close to this ideal. Hell, I know I’m not. But I’m able to look back at where I used to be, and gawk at the quantum leaps I’ve made. Are you?

Man, if you are reading this website, you are a basically good person. Assholes don’t care about self-improvement, least of all learning how to treat their girlfriends better. But you may be suffering from low self-esteem. We all have our insecurities, some way more than others though. Know where you are weak. Admit it to yourself. The very act of honestly admitting your weakness is an act of strength. Most people are too fucking scared to admit they are weak. But you can’t stop there. You must take proactive action to dispel your insecurities. It’s a life long endeavor. Get started now, and good luck! I wish you the best!

Having your own non-mutual friends

You must each have your own non-overlapping friend groups. When you are a couple, it is natural that you will meet each others’ friends and develop mutual friends. However, if you two have all the same friends, then you are in trouble. You will begin to solely identify as a couple, without your own independence.

Remember, the best relationships are interdependent one, which requires that each of you have your own independent space. So, keep some friend groups separate. Go have a guy’s night out, where you can just drink and shoot the shit.

Not having your own hobbies and work

This point ties into the previous one. I bet you know one of those couples who do everything together. They can’t even have lunch separately. God forbid there’s a minute in the day that they can’t bask in each other’s presence.

The relationship will become stifling. The longer you are attached to the hip, the harder it is to be separate, even for a few moments. Suspicions arise from the most innocuous gestures. Feelings get supersensitive.

For a healthy relationship, you must learn to maintain certain boundaries. Have you own hobbies and work, independent of hers.

Failure to establish the right dynamic in the beginning

They say men are like dogs. Train them right and they’ll behave. Now, personally I think this statement, is flagrantly disrespectful. But it doesn’t mean it’s not true. In fact, we are all like dogs, men and women alike. Have you heard of Pavlov’s study of salivating dogs? Here’s a refresher on classical conditioning for those of you who were not psych majors in college:

Pavlov ran an experiment where he rang a bell each time he fed his dogs. The dogs will thus salivate whenever they heard the bell, because they expected to be fed. After a while, whenever Pavlov rang the bell, the dogs salivated, even when no food was present.

How does this apply to your relationship?

This example means the behaviors of your girlfriend are conditioned over the course of time. If you establish your boundaries well, frame the right course for your relationship, and articulate the expectations for your relationship, she will respond in kind. If instead, you allow her to trample over you, then she will develop a habit around it, and will continue to do so. The longer you allow this kind of behavior to go on, the less chance you have of putting a stop to it. This is why confronting bad behavior early is so important.

I hope this article has helped you understand how to avoid being “pussy-whipped”.

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23 Comments Post a comment
  1. becci
    Aug 27 2012

    just want to say thank you as i have been with my boyfriend/partner for 4 years now i had 2 children previous to meeting him and we have had 2 more since then as a women who has had be in control of her life from a young age and was a tomboy growing up i was the only girl in a group of boys and you pick up how guys are and you end up imitating it and being like them but recently i have been reflecting on life and how i can change so we can have a happy family and not to much stress i have researched how to be more feminine and to dwell in my womenhood and ultra feminine side because i have noticed that my man isnt entirely happy even though he says he is and i have been analyzing our behaviors and how we react to situations and i had been controlling i was the dominant one and in order for me to feel more feminine i needed to stop being so masculine and hand the reigns over to him i have to trust that he will lead our family the right way trust his motives and make him feel like hes the man of the house because males of every species need to feel strong and protective if you wipe a man of this he feels lost and he will become depressed if i want my family to grow happy then he must be feeling happy and self worthy its harder for someone like me who has been independent since i was baby because i had a broken family and to be strong and do things myself but in a relationship and family its not about just you if a wall has a weak spot the rest of it will be weaker and eventually crumble and fall am i happy being submissive yes i am not because i have no self worth or respect because i will always respect myself but i respect my family and my boyfriend as well i wont be a weak and feeble women but i will let him control the ship he needs to feel he has an importance in life every animal works this way a pack of dogs has a strong dominant leader as done lions etc no its not a mans world because a women is needed just as much but for different things like nurturing and having that soft touch with children etc i tested it out today and my man was happy and the kids were happy because there wasnt both me and the mr taking control i backed off and let him direct the children and take charge and so stress level werent high because we both werent trying to take charge of situations he felt impowered and i was calm and content the kids done as they were told because he wasnt just having a go at them he was taking authority he had confidence in his voice we have been flirting more so there is proof its everywhere in nature this isnt saying be a good bitch this is helping to make your man feel good which in return will make your home good he has alot of respect for me and would never ridicule me and make me feel like im undermined or take the piss with it its just subtle things in situations that help i was still being myself but just not controlling every situation he doesnt order me around like a bitch lol its about trusting him to lead the way i have to trust that he will make the right decisions and for me to support that hes not a wicked man so he wont randomly decide to do something wicked and i have to back him up lol but yea it works if you do it right and dont become a weak feeble women you still have your own thoughts and feelings xxxxx

    Reply
    • Ecstasy
      Mar 20 2013

      Becci,

      Very well said, and your level of self-awareness is increasingly rare in today’s society (unfortunately).

      Acting feminine and allowing your boyfriend/partner to adopt the masculine role is the recipe to a lower stress relationship, as it conforms more closely to the natural flow.

      One of the main shortcomings of our modern, “feminist”, politically-correct, sanitized society is that women are shunned for acting feminine.

      Yet, lots of our increasing relationship woes on the macro scale as a society is rooted in this War on Femininity. In short, we need to understand acting feminine does not equate being “weak”.

      A great topic for another article I want to write.

      -Ecstasy

      Reply
    • Ken
      Mar 21 2013

      I actually disagree with this article. It’s possible to have a female-led relationship. It’s about temperaments that match. The problem with the whole “pussy whipped” thing is that there’s an obvious disrespect and love in this kind of female-led relationship.

      It is very possible to have a loving one that works for both people just fine, as long as there’s mutual respect and everyone’s getting their needs met. Not all guys are dominants, and no matter how hard they try, they won’t ever be a dominant even though just read a book and carry out the actions. Sometimes guys are not dominant, and feel very comfortable and natural like that. Women who are dominants don’t feel natural being the other way either.

      The key to a good relationship is finding the right match, rather than just falling into the “men must be dominant, women must be submissive” mantra.

      Sometimes guys are fucking idiots too, and if you ask them to lead something, they will just fuck it up.

      Reply
      • Ecstasy
        Mar 21 2013

        Ken,

        Thanks for pointing out this angle. While the majority of heterosexual relationships function best with the man-dominant/women-submissive formula, it doesn’t fit everyone.

        Some of my best female friends are super dominant and enjoy great relationships with more submissive men.

        Respect is the key.

        David Deida in Way of the Superior Man (one of my favorite books) addresses this element as well.

        -Ecstasy

        Reply
  2. Noah
    Oct 10 2012

    I really liked this article! Feel the need to read it even more than once to ensure that i have these thoughts in my head.

    Reply
  3. Noah
    Oct 10 2012

    And one more thing.

    It feels like she wants to make mutual friends or my friends want to have something more from her :D
    You know, you dont see from facebook who made and invitation.
    And they keep some sort of contact.
    As her girls invite me, is it called making mutual friends?oO Just wondering.

    I guess i make to much questions and too much infohere. :D

    Reply
    • Ecstasy
      Mar 20 2013

      Noah,

      I’m glad you liked it. I’m not sure if I understand your question clearly…feel free to send me an email at sygf@seduceyourgirlfriend.com

      -Ecstasy

      Reply
  4. Tony Duggan
    Oct 28 2012

    Thankyou so much, reading this article makes a lot of things clearer for me. The self esteem part and the having your own independence really struck a chord. It might not save ‘this relationship’ but I will be more mature and ready next time around.

    Thankyou, you deserve great things

    Reply
    • Ecstasy
      Mar 20 2013

      Tony,

      I’m glad my article has helped give you some clarity. I can totally relate…it’s tough to see things clearly sometimes, especially when you are embroiled in the relationship.

      Reply
  5. Anonymous
    Jan 9 2013

    This kinda bothers me that you imply that women are emotionally stunted vultures with vagina’s that aren’t capable of consciously controlling there actions and simply react to whatever behavior the man does.
    I don’t think this is true for emotionally mature women.
    But for emotionally stunted girls who happen to be grown up and never got over their issues, you probably couldn’t be more right sadly :/

    Reply
    • Ecstasy
      Mar 20 2013

      Interesting that’s your interpretation. I think the dichotomy between “emotionally stunted” and “emotionally mature” women is not the critical distinction here.

      Rather, the key is to learn how to establish your own boundaries as a man, so that you are not as susceptible to emotional manipulation.

      There are mature and immature women, just as there are mature and immature men. The reality is that even “mature” women will test you rather frequently. Holding a strong reality will be important in any good relationship.

      Reply
  6. Heya! I understand this is somewhat off-topic however I needed to
    ask. Does building a well-established blog like yours require a lot of work?

    I am brand new to blogging however I do write in my journal every day.
    I’d like to start a blog so I can easily share my experience and feelings online. Please let me know if you have any suggestions or tips for brand new aspiring bloggers. Appreciate it!

    Reply
    • Ecstasy
      May 16 2013

      Hey,

      Keep putting out good content, and be patient. If you are writing good shit & forming the right relationships, your blog should grow organically.

      Cheers,
      Ecstasy

      Reply
  7. Ellie
    Jun 14 2013

    Hello!

    Someone called my boyfriend “pussy whipped” yesterday so I stumbled onto your blog. Although neither my boyfriend or I think he actually is (!) a LOT of your content rang true!

    When I showed him, he said “OMG DID I WRITE THIS” so I think I found us a winner!

    We will be taking so many of these considerations on board and I fell that the points you made (so eloquently and surprisingly non-misogynistically) will probably save our relationship.

    Ours is full of love and passion, but the imbalance of having no independence from each other, or freedom and space was, as you say, stifling.

    So I just wanted to say thank you.

    Reply
    • Ecstasy
      Jun 14 2013

      Hey Ellie,

      Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad you found my thoughts helpful!

      -Ecstasy

      Reply
  8. anonymous
    Jun 25 2013

    To be perfectly honest, I started reading this article thinking I would find it full of hyper-masculine garbage. However, it was actually an interesting read. I found there were plenty of good points for any relationship, not just for a male dominated one. Most of it, such as maintaining self identity and values, is useful to women entering into a relationship as well as to men.

    This is one of the few articles I’ve read from this point of view on male dominated relationships that has not simply made me angry. Though I still disagree with the idea that traditional gender roles should continue to persist in relationships of today. All in all It was well written, and argued this topic in a way I had not considered before. Thank you for that.

    Reply
    • Ecstasy
      Jun 26 2013

      Thanks for your comment. Boundaries and values are important on both sides of the relationship. It’s unfortunate that “dominance/submission” draws out negative connotations, i.e. “male-dominated relationships”. Perhaps it’s a symptom of our Western culture where dominance = good, submission = bad. In several Eastern societies, the value is placed on submission rather than dominance. Ultimately, what’s important is the ideal flow of a relationship, which from my experience and vantage point, is still one driven by the masculine (note the subtle distinction from “male”), with the support & nurturing role falling to the feminine.

      -Ecstasy

      Reply
  9. chriis
    Jul 17 2013

    I think I make an awesome girlfriend but have recently been accused of pussy whipping…wow I thought Ya I like giving lots of pussy but I don’t whip anyone. So I read the article to find the meaning of pussy whipped in the first paragraph. Man should lead and we want that as women when he doesn’t take the bull with any direction then we do with resentment….so it is for our men to be the leader in the relationship with kindness not forceful or abusive methods

    Reply
    • Ecstasy
      Dec 16 2013

      Chriis,

      Precisely, leadership with force is undesirable. Rather, I don’t think using forceful or abusive methods count as “leadership”. It’s mere aggression and cowardice.

      -Ecstasy

      Reply
  10. anon
    Oct 19 2013

    I agree that roles aren’t exclusively Male/Dom – Female/Sub. But the people in those relationships don’t feel pussy whipped and aren’t reading this article. This is written for dominant men who feel pussy whipped. Two genius things said here (and I’m paraphrasing) is letting things slide in the honeymoon phase that later bother you. This is exactly the situation I am in. I brushed off things that I would normally not tolerate. That’s my bad. The second point is maybe she doesn’t want to pussy whip you. She’s just filling in the leadership role YOU left open. That’s also a painful thought I’m evaluating. If you’re “pussy whipped” and like it. And it’s working for you. Change nothing. But if you’re whipped and feel something is missing in your life the painful realization to face is YOU whipped yourself, not her. I love this girl and I’m taking back my role as the man. She has the right to walk right out of that “trap” if she doesn’t like it. Just like I could have avoided this to begin with. The romance phase… it’ll get you every time.

    Reply
    • Ecstasy
      Dec 16 2013

      anon,

      Fabulous comment. I commend you on taking an honest look at yourself and taking responsibility.

      That honeymoon phase will get you a few times before you come to your senses.

      There’s a gap between intellectually knowing how to act and emotionally owning it. It takes running into that brick wall a few times before it really sinks in.

      -Ecstasy

      Reply

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